B...P...D...

I want to share something with you.

I'm gonna be flat-out honest with you.

What you are about to read is VERY personal. 

So personal, in fact that I can't count the number of people I have talked to about this subject on my fingers.

Yes, THAT personal.

So, why am I doing this?

Well, I thought that if just once in my life, I could share my experiences and help save someone else from hard times, then it would be worth the humiliation and trauma that would come from me putting this out there.

So, what's this BIG SECRET?

I feel like I'm writing to an AA group or something here... 

Here goes...

I have BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

There.
I said it.

It's out for the world's ear now, and there's nothing I can do to take it back.

So now what?

Well, if it's alright with you, I'd like to explain a little about what I am talking about, thanks!

First off, many of you might be reading this and thinking... OK, what the heck is Borderline Personality Disorder (We'll refer to it as 'BPD' from here on out).

Well, most simply stated, it's a psychological disorder. For whatever reason, my brain process my relationships and how I deal with stress in an EXTREMELY emotional way. 

So how did it start? Well, I am not exactly certain. I know I had manipulative tendencies as a child... I would tell stories to get attention/sympathy, even though I had a VERY easy-going childhood. When I think about it, though, it seems that it really grew into a big problem shortly after the divorce of my parents when I was in junior high. I had a really hard time making good, close friends in high school because of it. You see, a person with BPD has a hard time developing relationships because he is always worried of being rejected or abandoned. What a regular person perceives as normal behavior, someone with BPD will take things that were meant off hand very personally and will stew over them until they are ready to pull their hair out. That is pretty hard to add to the already unforgiving challenges that come with adolescent/teenage life. For me, it started with my dad. I can not describe to you how MORTIFIED I was at the thought that I would disappoint him and he would reject me because of that. I was ALWAYS walking on edge when he was around to make sure that everything I was doing would somehow please him. Finally, though, the stress was too much for me to handle and I broke down. I moved away with my mother so that I wouldn't have to please my dad on a day-to-day basis. The disorder didn't stay behind though, and soon began taking control of other aspects of my life (like high school friends that I mentioned above).

So what exactly happens with BPD? For me, it started with disassociation. Like I mentioned above, I tried to remove myself from the perceived problem. When that didn't work, I resorted to self-harm. It frightens me to sit here watching these words show up, knowing that people I know are going to read them, but I promised myself that if I was going to help someone, I needed to be completely honest. I started with hitting myself until I bruised. It was an outlet for me. A way to release emotion that was too much for me to handle. It escalated, though, into thoughts of suicide. That was a scary time in my life!

I remember receiving a letter from my grandmother in my senior year of high school. She was upset with me for leaving my dad and moving with my mom. The frustration and humiliation I felt from reading the letter was intense. I bit myself so hard that I drew blood. That was the night that my mom found out about my self-harm. The only other people I have really talked to about it besides counselors are my husband, and through prayer. This is something I guarded because I was so ashamed of it.

How did I find out I had BPD? Honestly. I didn't know. I thought I was just depressed, and I hid it from people. Most people who knew me in high school and college are surprised when I tell them that I have dealt with depression. What I do know is that I came across a book in high school. Someone very close to me carries traits of the disorder and I was actually trying to learn how to cope with them. It wasn't until I was in college that I realized that I was probably carrying these very traits in my own walk of life. The book I read is called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your life Back When Someone You Care About Has BPD' by Paul T. Mason, and Randy Kreger.

What happened when I realized that I had BPD? First, I denied it... until I could no longer hide from it. I got married and my husband realized that something was up. He is an AMAZING, patient man for helping me learn how to cope and live. Once I accepted it, I began letting it define me. I couldn't function in the everyday world, but I hid it as much as I could. My parents didn't even realize all that was going on, but I was really going downhill. I ended up dropping out of college because of it. I had lost my passion for the subject I had been studying and I was loosing my zest for life. I was constantly filled to the bursting point and having problems building relationships with people at school. For this reason, I stopped going to school and got a job, and though I enjoyed the idea of the job, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I really butted heads with some of my coworkers and I was miserable all the time! 

I dealt with that by running away, yet again... live and learn, right? (Even if it takes a few times). My husband and I moved 400 miles away from the little town be grew up in, and it was HARD but probably one of the better choices we have ever made. It was good for me to be away from family and realize how much I appreciated them. 

After we moved, I began becoming more aware of my health. I began really studying the Atonement and trying to use it in my life. I had also been having some major physical health problems. I REALLY started taking initiative in August of 2013. I upped my water intake and started drinking a supplement called Shakeology to ensure that I was getting adequate nutrition. We stopped eating out and restricted out restaurant visits drastically, and then I began to notice it. It was soft and subtle at first, but I was noticing a change. I slowly began to become happier. I was beginning to take care of myself and loving myself because of it. I felt great and my zest for life began to come back. I was taking my life back!

I have been reading a book by Darren Hardy called, "The Compound Effect." In it, he talks of gaining 100% control of your life by owning your decisions and the consequences that come with them. I can honestly say that a few short months ago, I was letting my circumstances own me. I wasn't pushing myself and I was not growing because I was sympathizing with myself for 'what I had been through.' When I read his words, it felt like a slap of reality. I realized I was WASTING my life wallowing in self-pity and I needed to make sure that I defined myself by who I wanted to become. My mindset before had been, 'I'm just not quite happy/healthy enough to make that work for me.' I had let the disorder control how my life would be lived, and it was not fun. I was MISERABLE. 

Since then, I have still had hard moments or days, but they are fewer and further between. I can feel honest joy in my life now, and I have found something that is putting me in a place where I can help others find THEIR true happiness as well! It is such a rewarding place for me to be!

Mostly, I wanted to write this to say, whatever you may be going through, know that you are not alone! There are others, even some whom you would least expect, who are dealing with demons you wouldn't even dream of. The beauty here, though, is this; YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR DEMONS. If you are ready to work hard, and accept that YOU have power that reaches beyond your wildest dreams, YOU can change and create the life that YOU want to live! I PROMISE YOU because if I can do it, I KNOW anyone can! I can't promise you that it's going to be easy, because it's not. It's going to require a LOT of extra hard work from you, but YOU have the power to take your life and make out of it whatever you heart desires! Isn't that amazing?! I believe in you!

Before I leave, I just want to say that if you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, I'd love to answer any questions you may have. I hope that you got SOMETHING out of reading all of this, and I hope you understand that I write all this from my heart. This isn't easy for me to put out to the world where anyone can see it, but my true desire is that just someone might see this and gain something from it that will benefit their life! Thank you for taking the time to read!

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Really?

Hey everyone! It's been a while! 

My husband and I took a trip on short notice last week, and it switched up my schedule a little. It's a bit difficult to blog from the road, so I threw my blogging to the back burner for a couple of days, but I'm back! 

I have been talking to some friends and family lately about health, and our conception of it, and that lead to what I want to talk about today.

You're probably not getting enough calories. If you are, then you're probably not getting enough nutrients.

Really? 

Yep. R.E.A.L.L.Y!

Let me go a little science nerd on you for a minute to explain:

1. You're wanting to drop a few pounds so you're going to lower your calorie intake to make that happen. (Applause) BUT, there is a FINE LINE there... lowering your calorie intake will encourage your body to resort to burning off stored fat, yes, but lower your intake too much, and whammy! It'll backfire on you. 

Now, I can't give you a number and tell you exactly how many calories you should be eating during the day because there are so many factors that vary that outcome, but I will suggest that if you are a woman, you should be trying to get at least 1200+ per day, and about 1500+ for men. This is even if you live a sedentary lifestyle. If you are working out and active, you'll want to increase your intake accordingly. There are calculators online what can give you a less generalized estimate if you're interested.

2. "I get enough calories, but I am not loosing any weight." Are you getting the right nutrients, and how are your portion sizes? There are a number of problems that could be happening here, but I'd like to focus on the two that I see most often:

First, you are eating huge portions infrequently throughout the day. Stop that! Do you realize that your stomach is really only about the size of your fist? When you eat, it expands, and the more you eat, the larger it gets. That means that the next time you eat, you will eat more to fill full because there is more space to fill. Ideally, you should be eating about 6 small meals/day. (Meals that are about the size of your fist). This will encourage your stomach to keep it's form while you still get your recommended calories.

Second, you are eating enough during the day, but what you are eating is not fueling your body. There are certain nutrients that the body must have to function properly, and there are myriads of foods out there that have zero nutritional value for you. So you eat them, and perhaps get some energy from them, but not much more. When you do this regularly, your body goes into starvation mode. It's like putting diesel in a gas engine... you can fill up the tank as much as you want, but it's not going to take your car anywhere. When your body goes into starvation mode, it will convert anything it can into a usable form, and generally that means fat. It will also try to store the fat for you to use on a day when you need it. The problem with this is, we don't live like our ancestors. We live in a society where food is readily available, in very poor form. We keep eating when we don't need to, so our bodies don't use that fat that has been placed into storage on our thunder-thighs, love-handles, and spare-tires... So the body grows, and becomes very unhealthy. 

There is so much more science and variety to that story, but that is basically how it works, and I didn't want to bore you anymore! Try to identify which category your fall into, and then tackle what you struggle with! I'd just like to add that while we do have the most unhealthy of choices available to us, we also have some of the most healthy options around us as well. Just remember to treat food like fuel. You wouldn't go to the gas pump and poor fuel out over the ground just because it smells good, or you're addicted to it... don't waste your food like that either. Don't waste food and let it gain control of your life, and most importantly, don't life for food, but do EAT TO LIVE!

Make your life awesome, and be healthy enough to enjoy it!

Velv... I mean, "LIFEeeta" Cheese!

Football playoffs are upon us, and I am excited to watch the Super Bowl in a couple of weeks. 

With the Bowl comes some of my favorite treats, like dips, pizza, (boneless)wings, and more!

Have you ever tried Rotel Cheese Dip?

I could eat that ALL DAY LONG and be perfectly happy, but considering that I don't want all the hard work I have been doing to go down the drain in one day of vegging out on goodies, (the Holiday's were bad enough, but we aren't even going to talk about that, OK? hehe) I have been playing with recipes looking for ways that I can fortify the recipes I already love to make them fit more easily into a healthy lifestyle!

Thus, "Lifeeta Cheese" was born!

I made this a few nights ago and it was great with broccoli and boiled 'new potatoes'

I wouldn't recommend eating this often. While it is way healthier than the original soft-yellow-loaf that you buy at the store, it is still pretty high in calories. 

Recipe:

2 cups milk (I used whole because that's what we drink)

2 tbs cornstarch

Dash of salt

2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese (can add more to taste, we thought this was fine).

Directions:

Add milk to cold saucepan. Add cornstarch, and whisk. While whisking, turn up heat to med-high, closer to high, but watch closely. You do not want the milk to boil, and you don't want the starch sticking to the bottom of the pan. 

As milk heats, continue stirring. It should start bubbling. At this point, you can add the salt and half of the cheese, keeping it on the heat. It should start thickening quite rapidly. As it does this, add remaining cheese and continue stirring until melted. 

Viola! Isn't that easier than walking clear to the back of the store to find this stuff? hehe... I always seem to have to search for it, but now I have it in all the ingredients in my pantry, and I can eat it with less guilt!

This makes about 3/4 of the amount you would get with a store-bought loaf. We haven't tried to store it, but if you aren't going to use it right away, it should be fine to put plastic wrap or tin foil in a bread pan, poor the mixture in and refrigerate until hardened. It should keep for about two weeks like this.

Happy Super Bowling! May the best team win!

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PD

When I was in high school, I was a member of an organization called FFA.

I went to National FFA Convention twice, as well as many state and local activities, but each time I went, I felt a rush of excitement as I was made aware of the potential that I had. I didn't recognize this back then, but that rush came from listening to key note speakers who were teaching me how PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT ~PD~ could affect a person!

Since joining Beachbody, I have been trying to do at least one hour of PD a day. Why? Let me illustrate with a picture...

Life is great at presenting opportunities for us to learn. It has it's ups, and it has its downs. I assume most of us can look back and say that we have become better people than the people we used to be, and that's great, but imagine if you could speed up that process by learning from others' successes and failures.

Well, have I got great news for you! (You probably already know what I'm about to tell you, right?)
YOU CAN!!!

This is what Wikipedia says about PD: Personal development includes activities that improve awareness and identity, develop talents and potential, build human capital and facilitate employ-ability, enhance quality of life and contribute to the realization of dreams and aspirations

Doesn't that sound great? Don't you want to 'contribute to the realization of YOUR dreams and aspirations?!?!!!' 

Here's your takeaway for today: When trying to live a healthy lifestyle, it is important to include at least 15 minutes of personal development into your daily activities. 

Here's my story about PD:

I DO NOT enjoy washing dishes or folding socks. I am perfectly fine with any other household chores, but please, DO NOT ask me to do those two tasks. Whelp, I am a housewife. With a husband who works full time, it is important for me to tackle those chores. I used to avoid these as long as I could. When they finally needed to be done, I would put on some music and drag myself to the task, giving my time begrudgingly. Just recently, I began listening to Personal Development books, and General Conference talks during these chores, and my attitude has completely changed. Now I don't have enough to do to last me as long as I'd like to listen to my recordings! To top things off, I am becoming more confidant and growing because of it! I am happy in the work that I do, and our home is a much more pleasant place to reside! 

You don't even know how great of an investment that small change is to me in the scheme of things!

Now, I'm off to clean the bathroom!

Mars: A One Way Mission!

Mars.

It's known as "The Red Planet"

Since man's journey to Earth's Moon, Mars has been the target for space enthusiasts both young and old.

We have sent rovers to give us a closer view of the barren landscape, and know that it can take anywhere from 150-300 days to travel the distance between Mars and Earth. (1.)

So, what does Mars have to do with with your health?

Yesterday, I read an intriguing article about a new mission being dubbed "Mars One." If you are interested, you can read more about the mission here. The mission will send an unmanned craft to the Red Planet sometime around 2018, with plans of sending manned crews to follow starting in 2024. Here's the catch, Mars One is titled so, because these missions will be one way. The plan is to first send four people to live in a self-sustaining space station, and then send missions of four astronauts every two years. 

It was surprising to me to think that anyone could love something so much, and have dreams so big, that they would be willing to give up everything else just for a shot at their dreams. At first, I was very skeptical, thinking these people need to sort out their priorities. Who is willing to make such a sacrifice? Leave Earth never to return? Then, like most things I read, I applied it to my life. What would be so important to me that I would choose pursuing it over living a comfortable life with those thing I would otherwise have to sacrifice? What dream is so important to me that I am willing to give up on things of 'lesser importance' (at least to me) in order to see that dream fulfilled.

Well, luckily for me, it is not, nor has it ever been, my dream to take a mission to Mars. I do have other dreams, though, and there are things that I have found are worth sacrificing so that I might see those dreams fulfilled. 

So, if you're still with me, let's relate this to our health...

Here is my take away from this article: There ARE some things in life that ARE worth sacrificing for BETTER things to replace them!

Think of it as an investment. What does being healthy give you?

Well, for me, I have peace of mind, confidence, zest for life, endurance, happiness, I FEEL GREAT, and SO much more!!! Have I had to sacrifice things to get that which was important to me? YES! Was it worth it? YES, YES, YES!!! What have I sacrificed? TV? Somewhat, I have stopped watching reality television and instead, I spend my free time watching uplifting/inspirational/personal developmental programs. Is that really a loss? Not to me. I can not tell you how much I have grown and learned since making the choice to cut those out! Have I sacrificed good tasting food? Heck NO! In-fact, I think the food that we eat now has SO much more FLAVOR than anything we ate before, AND I don't feel sick after eat now! DEFINITELY a GREAT investment. Have I had to sacrifice some of my favorite social settings (like my favorite restaurant)? Yes, BUT I can not tell you how much money we are saving  since we have stopped eating out. We can still go out for special occasions, and it seems so much MORE special now! There are other things I have left out of my life, but rather than thinking of them as a sacrifice, I think of them as a good trade, or investment in my life! 

So, here is what I hope you take away from this:

There are people who have come before you, and who will come after you, who have/are going to MAKE SOMETHING out of their lives. They have had dreams, and have made big sacrifices in hopes of reaching those dreams. Those sacrifices have brought great strides to them in reaching their goals. I'm assuming you are here because you are hoping to make positive changes concerning your health, but even if you have other dreams, the only way you will reach them is by making some trades or investments. When you figure that out, make sure that you dream big enough to make that a one way mission. Don't put one toe in, 'go big, or go home,' because a two way mission won't get you anywhere!

As far as what you're willing to trade? Well, I'll let you decide.

It's a Secret

Today, I want to talk about something that we refer to as

 "The Secret".

You may have heard of Rhonda Byrne's book, with this title, and THAT is exactly what I am referring to!

If you haven't read the book, or watched the documentary, "The Secret" is basically the idea that what you are surrounded by in life is what you have attracted to your own being.

I would also like to share this quote:

You are now wondering, "Where in the heck is she headed with all this?"

Am I right?

Well, I have recently learned that when applied to life, these statements WORK!

Now what does all this have to do with being healthy?

Well, what I have found is that when you are not happy where you are now, you won't be happy where you are later, no matter what might come your way.

What does that mean?

For me, it meant that I had to learn to be grateful for what I had before I would ever be grateful for what I now have! I used to mutilate myself, both physically and mentally. I was my own bully, constantly talking myself down and telling myself that I was not valuable. Because this was my mindset, I did not choose to treat my physical self like the treasure that it is. I fueled my body with junk. I didn't drink adequate water. I rarely gave myself the opportunity to partake in therapeutic exercise. I was so consumed in my own self hatred, that I could not be truly happy for those I associated with, and so I would seer in envy thinking that 'they' were happier than I would ever be. This in turn would cause me to feel even more down then I was before. So, how did it change?

Well, it was a slow process, but it started with a statement my mother said to me one day. She said, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." 

It took years for that to really set into me, but I feel that I fully understand that concept now. I used to be overcome with anxiety when I felt that I couldn't control events or people in my life. With that idea in my mind, however, I began to change myself in order to better fit the circumstances that were once causing my anxiety, and something amazing began to happen!

First, I began to feel GENUINELY HAPPY for the good events that were taking place around me. Then, slowly, I began to realize that being happy for others helped me to be grateful for what I had, and in turn, I felt that I had more than I had ever had before. More energy, more drive, more meaning in life, and it CHANGED me! I began focusing on what was going well in my life, and noticing less and less what was going wrong. It seems like each day, there is more and more wellness, and less and less of the opposite, and with that happening, I am now ready to take what I have and give it to others, and that, in turn, is giving me more than anything I have ever experienced before!

If you are struggling in life, I challenge you to write down ten things you are grateful for every day for the next thirty days. See what changes begin taking shape in your life! If you take this challenge, come back and tell me about it! I'd love to hear your results!

(Thanks to Hilary Weeks' Facebook Page for the photo I posted above. Also, thanks to Rhonda Byrne for opening my eyes. If you are interested, her book is great!)

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New Year, New Start!

I live in the center of the Rocky Mountain range, and when we drive, it seems like you are just 'waiting to get over that one mountain' but as soon as you crest over the top of it, you see how many more mountains you have to cross or travel around before you will make it to your destination! Life is very similar to this metaphor. When you think you have made it, you realize you actually have quite a ways left to go! This rings especially true with health and fitness, so even though I reached the goal that I had set in August, I am excited to continue my journey, and will be starting Les Mills Body Combat on Monday, January 13th, 2014.

I will be tracking my progress daily, and sharing tips and tricks, and more to help motivate YOU in your personal journey!

So to begin, I am posting my before photos today. These were taken this morning, January 10, 2014. I will also be sharing my current weight and measurements in my post tomorrow!

Wish me luck! If you'd like to join me in a 60 day weight-loss challenge, I have one starting on January 20th! Comment below, or visit www.facebook.com/teamfindyourbestlife for more information!