I want to share something with you.
I'm gonna be flat-out honest with you.
What you are about to read is VERY personal.
So personal, in fact that I can't count the number of people I have talked to about this subject on my fingers.
Yes, THAT personal.
So, why am I doing this?
Well, I thought that if just once in my life, I could share my experiences and help save someone else from hard times, then it would be worth the humiliation and trauma that would come from me putting this out there.
So, what's this BIG SECRET?
I feel like I'm writing to an AA group or something here...
Here goes...
I have BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
There.
I said it.
I said it.
It's out for the world's ear now, and there's nothing I can do to take it back.
So now what?
Well, if it's alright with you, I'd like to explain a little about what I am talking about, thanks!
First off, many of you might be reading this and thinking... OK, what the heck is Borderline Personality Disorder (We'll refer to it as 'BPD' from here on out).
Well, most simply stated, it's a psychological disorder. For whatever reason, my brain process my relationships and how I deal with stress in an EXTREMELY emotional way.
So how did it start? Well, I am not exactly certain. I know I had manipulative tendencies as a child... I would tell stories to get attention/sympathy, even though I had a VERY easy-going childhood. When I think about it, though, it seems that it really grew into a big problem shortly after the divorce of my parents when I was in junior high. I had a really hard time making good, close friends in high school because of it. You see, a person with BPD has a hard time developing relationships because he is always worried of being rejected or abandoned. What a regular person perceives as normal behavior, someone with BPD will take things that were meant off hand very personally and will stew over them until they are ready to pull their hair out. That is pretty hard to add to the already unforgiving challenges that come with adolescent/teenage life. For me, it started with my dad. I can not describe to you how MORTIFIED I was at the thought that I would disappoint him and he would reject me because of that. I was ALWAYS walking on edge when he was around to make sure that everything I was doing would somehow please him. Finally, though, the stress was too much for me to handle and I broke down. I moved away with my mother so that I wouldn't have to please my dad on a day-to-day basis. The disorder didn't stay behind though, and soon began taking control of other aspects of my life (like high school friends that I mentioned above).
So what exactly happens with BPD? For me, it started with disassociation. Like I mentioned above, I tried to remove myself from the perceived problem. When that didn't work, I resorted to self-harm. It frightens me to sit here watching these words show up, knowing that people I know are going to read them, but I promised myself that if I was going to help someone, I needed to be completely honest. I started with hitting myself until I bruised. It was an outlet for me. A way to release emotion that was too much for me to handle. It escalated, though, into thoughts of suicide. That was a scary time in my life!
I remember receiving a letter from my grandmother in my senior year of high school. She was upset with me for leaving my dad and moving with my mom. The frustration and humiliation I felt from reading the letter was intense. I bit myself so hard that I drew blood. That was the night that my mom found out about my self-harm. The only other people I have really talked to about it besides counselors are my husband, and through prayer. This is something I guarded because I was so ashamed of it.
How did I find out I had BPD? Honestly. I didn't know. I thought I was just depressed, and I hid it from people. Most people who knew me in high school and college are surprised when I tell them that I have dealt with depression. What I do know is that I came across a book in high school. Someone very close to me carries traits of the disorder and I was actually trying to learn how to cope with them. It wasn't until I was in college that I realized that I was probably carrying these very traits in my own walk of life. The book I read is called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your life Back When Someone You Care About Has BPD' by Paul T. Mason, and Randy Kreger.
What happened when I realized that I had BPD? First, I denied it... until I could no longer hide from it. I got married and my husband realized that something was up. He is an AMAZING, patient man for helping me learn how to cope and live. Once I accepted it, I began letting it define me. I couldn't function in the everyday world, but I hid it as much as I could. My parents didn't even realize all that was going on, but I was really going downhill. I ended up dropping out of college because of it. I had lost my passion for the subject I had been studying and I was loosing my zest for life. I was constantly filled to the bursting point and having problems building relationships with people at school. For this reason, I stopped going to school and got a job, and though I enjoyed the idea of the job, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I really butted heads with some of my coworkers and I was miserable all the time!
I dealt with that by running away, yet again... live and learn, right? (Even if it takes a few times). My husband and I moved 400 miles away from the little town be grew up in, and it was HARD but probably one of the better choices we have ever made. It was good for me to be away from family and realize how much I appreciated them.
After we moved, I began becoming more aware of my health. I began really studying the Atonement and trying to use it in my life. I had also been having some major physical health problems. I REALLY started taking initiative in August of 2013. I upped my water intake and started drinking a supplement called Shakeology to ensure that I was getting adequate nutrition. We stopped eating out and restricted out restaurant visits drastically, and then I began to notice it. It was soft and subtle at first, but I was noticing a change. I slowly began to become happier. I was beginning to take care of myself and loving myself because of it. I felt great and my zest for life began to come back. I was taking my life back!
I have been reading a book by Darren Hardy called, "The Compound Effect." In it, he talks of gaining 100% control of your life by owning your decisions and the consequences that come with them. I can honestly say that a few short months ago, I was letting my circumstances own me. I wasn't pushing myself and I was not growing because I was sympathizing with myself for 'what I had been through.' When I read his words, it felt like a slap of reality. I realized I was WASTING my life wallowing in self-pity and I needed to make sure that I defined myself by who I wanted to become. My mindset before had been, 'I'm just not quite happy/healthy enough to make that work for me.' I had let the disorder control how my life would be lived, and it was not fun. I was MISERABLE.
Since then, I have still had hard moments or days, but they are fewer and further between. I can feel honest joy in my life now, and I have found something that is putting me in a place where I can help others find THEIR true happiness as well! It is such a rewarding place for me to be!
Mostly, I wanted to write this to say, whatever you may be going through, know that you are not alone! There are others, even some whom you would least expect, who are dealing with demons you wouldn't even dream of. The beauty here, though, is this; YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR DEMONS. If you are ready to work hard, and accept that YOU have power that reaches beyond your wildest dreams, YOU can change and create the life that YOU want to live! I PROMISE YOU because if I can do it, I KNOW anyone can! I can't promise you that it's going to be easy, because it's not. It's going to require a LOT of extra hard work from you, but YOU have the power to take your life and make out of it whatever you heart desires! Isn't that amazing?! I believe in you!
Before I leave, I just want to say that if you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, I'd love to answer any questions you may have. I hope that you got SOMETHING out of reading all of this, and I hope you understand that I write all this from my heart. This isn't easy for me to put out to the world where anyone can see it, but my true desire is that just someone might see this and gain something from it that will benefit their life! Thank you for taking the time to read!
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